Darion’s Delusions: Fictional characters: where are they now?

Many people find themselves wondering what washed-up celebrities have been doing since their time in the limelight, but have you ever wondered what certain fictional characters have been up to? For your pleasure I have investigated a variety of famous fictional characters in order to shed some light on their current situations.

Waldo: After years spent hiding from children in his famous “Where’s Waldo” books, Waldo has developed an acute paranoia. He now resides in The Minnesota State Psychiatric Hospital, where he is trying to break the fear that at any given moment hundreds of children are searching for him.

Mario & Luigi: After years of experimenting with substances in order to thwart Bowser’s evil plans, Mario has been checked into rehab. His brother Luigi visits him daily, but the whole ordeal is an upward struggle. As it turns out, large portions of the video games were actually just figments of Mario’s imagination. His mind has been almost completely shattered by the drug abuse, and he spends his days staring out the window whispering nonsense to himself.

Inigo Montoya: Inigo is having some trouble adjusting to society after a lifetime of seeking revenge for his father’s death. He was quoted earlier this week saying “My name is Inigo Montoya, you took my parking spot– PREPARE TO DIE!”

The Cat In The Hat: This trouble-causing feline did some jail time recently for repeated cases of breaking and entering, destruction of property, and corruption of miners. Thing One and Thing Two were placed in protective custody when it was found out that Mr. Hat had been keeping them in a box.

Luke Skywalker: After the Empire fell, Luke began to wonder if Darth Vader really was his father. Recently he has gotten DNA tests back which prove that Vader was not in fact his real father. George Lucas is using this fact to push his new movie about Queen Amidala and her various romances during the years when Anakin Skywalker was away on Jedi business. The movie is set to air on the Lifetime Network in late 2012.

Pauly Shore: Mr. Shore hasn’t been up to much since he was accidentally locked in a Bio-Dome in 1996. Some think he’s still in the Bio-Dome with that Baldwin that no one cares about. If you actually watched the movie to the end, (which you probably didn’t) you’d see that he actually escaped, tried to continue his career, voiced a character the Goofy Movie sequel, and now spends his nights talking to Charlie Sheen through a telephone made of two cups and a string.

Scorpion: After his time spent battling in the Mortal Kombat tournaments, Scorpion has turned a new leaf and is looking for a soul mate to settle down with and make a family. He currently hangs out in bars hoping to find that special someone as he perfects his pick-up line “GET OVER HERE!”

Captain Planet: The captain has recently released his real identity, and no one was shocked to find that he has been as Al Gore this entire time. I don’t really feel like talking about Al Gore, so we’ll just move on the next character.

Garfield The Cat: Garfield finally died earlier this month. Suffice to say that there is nothing funny about feeding lasagna to a cat. Really it’s a miracle that he survived this long at all. Thirty-two years old is a bit ridiculous for any household cat, let alone one with health issues like his.

Gandalf The White: Middle Earth has become a fairly boring place since the One Ring was destroyed. In his boredom Gandalf has held several jobs, most notably as a crossing guard, though he has had problems letting any of the students pass.

Holden Caulfield: Holden had some rough teenage years, but he’s got his life back on track now. He is currently one of the leading partners of a law firm in New York where he has never lost a trial.