Darion’s Delusions: Awkward Situations

Public facilities are without a doubt the breeding ground of awkward, and I would be lying if I told you that I haven’t seen my share of awkward mishaps here at South Puget Sound Community College. Though I am constantly surprised by the many new awkward habits being developed, I would like to remind you of the most common and awkward habits that have plagued public facilities for years.

The Hallway Limbo can range from a minor annoyance to a full blown awkward moment and in a few cases a full-on fist fight. The Hallway Limbo could happen at any time. You will be walking down the hallway and notice a person walking right towards you in the opposite direction. You will step out of the way in order for them to get by, but you will be surprised to see that they have once again stepped directly into your path in an attempt to get out of the way. Sometimes the Limbo stops there, but other times it goes on for what seems like forever as you both step back and fourth like you’re in some sort incredibly low budget dance routine.

This next awkward habit isn’t as awkward to the victim as it is to everyone else who sees it. I like to call this the “Nose Itch” because in all fairness, that’s all it is. To explain, let me lay out the scenario: You are sitting with your friends in the cafeteria or somewhere of equal unimportance; you realize that the side of your nose itches so you reach your finger up and give it a quick rub. This happens to be the exact moment that someone looks at you from the wrong angle. From their view it looks like you’re casually picking your nose. Sometimes you’ll even realize this and look up making eye contact with the person, which only makes it worse. It’s not exactly like you can yell out “No, wait! I wasn’t picking my nose!” because that’s just what a nose-picker would say. Sadly the best way out of that situation is to give them a big smile and go back to whatever you were doing because honestly, even if its not true, the most open minded of us wouldn’t be able to help thinking “Gross Sally just picked her nose!”

As you should hopefully know by now, girls and boys are different in a number of different ways. One of these ways is the clothes that they wear. Sometimes guys will decide not to wear a belt, even though it is obvious that their pants require one. This leads to their pants constantly being on the verge of falling down. Alone this small problem is nothing, but combine it with a pair of boxers or briefs sliding up into your nether regions and you have a deadly combination. Now they’re stuck in a weird situation, if they pull the underwear down relieving themselves of the wedgie then they risk their pants falling down, and if they pull their pants up any more they only make the wedgie worse. This can usually be fixed by hobbling to the nearest bathroom, but some people think that they can fix it covertly without anyone noticing. We notice. They can be seen shifting from side to side, walking in short; then long strides, and doing weird hip thrusts when they think no one is looking. All of these attempts to re-balance their pants are usually in vain, but ultimately make for a great awkward moment. Note: Though this awkward habit happens mostly to guys, I am sure that some girls might have had this problem as well.

So far these awkward habits have been ones that are hard to control, but this next one seems like it is almost intentional. The Space Invader is someone who knowingly or unintentionally stands too close for comfort while you’re talking to them. The annoying part about this is that the Space Invader is usually a nice person, and most people would feel rude for pointing it out. You can be minding your own business when suddenly the space invader is right in your face wanting to make conversation. As you try to compose yourself and make a response you can’t help but notice the smell of breakfast on their breath. Some of the most awkward and forced conversations I’ve had have been with Space Invaders.

The last of the common awkward habits is the Monster Sneeze. The Monster Sneeze usually occurs when it’s quiet and everyone has their guard down. Suddenly the silence will be broken with a horrible beast-like noise that can only be described as a clash of the gods. This loud, raging sneeze echoes through the minds and souls of everyone in existence until it finally fades away like the cosmic dust from a once flourishing star. In the aftermath people emerge from beneath rubble and the limp, broken bodies of their brethren to find that their once humble classroom has been reduced to nothing but a series of oddly shaped rocks and twisted pieces of metal. This is quite an awkward moment for the person lucky enough to have released the Monster Sneeze.