Night Train to Terror

Rating: ★★★★½ 

This was the gem of All Freakin’ Night. Every year there is one film so absurd, so bizarre, and so ridiculously bad, that it will be talked about for years to come. This is that film.

“Night Train” is a trainwreck. It features three short films loosely connected by God and the Devil sitting on a train and having inane conversations and lots of bad 80s music-video montages.

Imagine “Creepshow” but without everything that makes “Creepshow” a good movie.

In the credits, five different directors are listed, giving the audience some idea of how such an awkward monstrosity of a film came to be.

Apparently the short films consist of cobbled-together footage from multiple failed productions, which would explain why none of them make any sense. Nothing, however, can explain why this movie was made in the first place.

The first of the three shorts involves a man who winds up being given a mind-control drug at an insane asylum, causing him to work with the asylum’s doctors in rounding up women who are then killed, and whose limbs are sold on the black market.

After roughly 30 different women are shown first being seduced by the protagonist, then stripped naked and cut up into pieces, the film realizes it has to have a plot. The protagonist somehow breaks free from the mind controlling drug, rescues the women, and escapes into the night.

The next two films aren’t much better. One tells the story of a group of people who put themselves in life-or-death situations, while the other features a Nazi-demon who does battle with a housewife. Both of these are notable for their baffling claymation, which looks absolutely terrible.

There are many more gripes to be made here, ranging from blaring day-to-night continuity errors, to awkward forwarding of the plot via narration when they clearly lacked sufficient footage.

This is a true failure in almost every way when it comes to filmmaking, but it still isn’t unwatchable (although the third act can get a bit tedious at times).

For those that believe film to be serious business, this is not for you. But for those who can appreciate a terrible movie and are looking for something to join the likes of “Troll 2” or “Birdemic” on their shelf, you couldn’t do much better (or worse) than “Night Train to Terror.”